It seems as that everyday, I am in completely different mood.
There are times when I don´t remember what I did yesterday, or what the plan for today was. Completly out of touch with myself and looking constantly for either gratification or when it wears down, some distraction from the underlying issue at hand that I am so scared of. Now, those “Issues” are often really simple tasks, that someone “normally” operating in their lives would just wrinkle their foreheads about if they could see my behaviour (if thats what our fictional human here is into). Like cleaning, running a simple errand, making a call or whatever. They say if u practice you´ll get better. So i can confirm this, i got “better” at procrascination, that means i could do it for longer periods of time and make the tasks even more daunting as the time continiues. And allthou this sounds like I am proud of it, I am not, but it is what it is.
Also I am letting go of that 10 year old (maybe even longer) pattern that i practiced so hard. Defense and stagnation kills.